What to do
if Dickweed Forgot Valentine's Day...
Tear
up that 'Dear John' letter. There is a better way!
Everyone at the office received
roses today. Everyone but YOU. Dickweed forgot. Again.
Well, calm
down. After all, you must remember that he's a man. Men are notorious
for forgetting. Historians have documented events in which men actually
forgot they were legally, and even illegally, bound to a woman. It happens.
A lot. More than twice, too. To the same man, even.
But if you're
craving a bit of satisfaction, perhaps this will do...
Before we
begin, there are certain circumstances in which Dickweed MUST be forgiven. These
include, but are not necessarily limited to the following:
 A recent
and serious injury to Dickweed deserves a pardon, such as amnesia or body-in-traction.
If
both of you mutually decided to forego the V-Day 'material niceties' due to budget constraints,
etc., then there is nothing to forgive. Fact is, you can't expect milk
from a goat when you own a hen. It would be easier for a gelding to produce
offspring.
And to be
totally honest, women are notorious for telling men one thing while wishing
entirely another.
Next - the following
circumstances are whimpy excuses and do not deserve a pardon:
If Dickweed
was recently canned, he should NOT be excused. It doesn't take money to
have a fab V-Day. So shame on Dickweed for not being inventive.
If Dickweed
simply forgot, he should NOT be excused unless he is drooling and seeing tiny
men in little green suits.
If
Dickweed took his mother's advice NOT to give you a V-Day token, he should NOT
be forgiven and furthermore should be given a fair beating with your velvet
whip.
Now - on
to serious business, girls!! Seven divine ways to get even with Steven:
1. On Christmas,
get him NADA...nothing. Tell him that you forgot it was Christmas.
2. Tell
him that you suspect that you are pregnant with triplets. That's good
for a hearty jolt.
3. Point
blank, ask him what he got you for V-Day. As he is stuttering around,
fill in the uncomfortable scene with, "Oh darling, how clever! You've ordered
my gift and it didn't arrive as planned. Oh, please tell me - is it a
diamond or ruby?"
4. Announce
that 'mother' is coming to stay with you at least a week.
5. Sadly
tell him that you feel a 365 day headache coming on.
6. Show
him that V-Day card that your old boyfriend, Jake, sent to you this year. How
sweet that JAKE REMEMBERED YOU DICKWEED!!!
7. Forgive
him, bum and Dickweed that he is. Yes, there is much to learn in the art
of forgiveness, especially in the game of love.
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Mother
In Law Tips
Mother
In Law Monster